1) To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelesness.

  2) — Do you smoke?

      —  Well, I must admit I smoke.

• I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.

  3) I will wait for you all my life — if you are not too long.

  4) The English were polite, unexcitable, reserved and had hot-water bottles instead of a sex life: how they reproduced was one of the mysteries of the western world.

  5) — Do you even remember you are shipwrecked?

      — I’m Musklin, — said Musklin. — I don’t know who Shipwrecked is.

  6) — I was listening.

      — Oh!

• And now I await  instructions.
• In where?

  7) Normal people just ignored almost everything  that was going on around them, so          

       that they could concentrate on important things, like, well, getting up, going to the  

       lavatory and getting on with their lives.

  8) The stone angel at the entrance looked as though he‘d  just  remembered  that he should have gone to the toilet before he left heaven.

  9) — The mausoleums on the graves all have padlocks on them

      — To keep the people out or to keep the people in?

  10) Women call each other friends only after they have called each other a lot of other names.

  11) — What's this sign coming up?  
          — "Road works ahead," said Grimma in a puzzled voice.  
          — Why say it? I mean, you could understand "Road Doesn't Work Ahead.  
               Why tell us it works?

  12) Kids in the cars cause accidents. Accidents in the cars cause kids.

Murphy's laws

• If anything can go wrong, it will
   If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
  Extreme version:
  If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the FIRST to go wrong
   
• If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
• If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
   Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
  Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
   

          Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
          Things get worse under pressure.

• The Murphy Philosophy
  Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
• Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
  Everything goes wrong all at once.
• Murphy's Constant
  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
• Murphy's Law of Research
  Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
• Research supports a specific theory depending on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
   
• Addition to Murphy's Laws
  In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
• More Laws
• Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
• It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
• Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
  Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
• Nothing is as easy as it looks.
• Everything takes longer than you think.
• Everything takes longer than it takes.
   
• If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
• Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
• Every solution breeds new problems.
• The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
• no matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up.
   
• You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
• The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
   
• The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• More Laws of Selective Gravitation.
• A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
• A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it.
• A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried).
• A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).
• If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process.
• A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain, for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running.
• If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground.
• If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot, it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield.
• The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it.
   You will always find something in the last place you look.
• If your looking for more than one thing, you'll find the most important one last.
• It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt.
   After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll find the original.
   
• You have to look where you lost it.
   
• No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
• The other line always moves faster.
• In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
• Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
• If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
• If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
• When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
• Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
• In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
• There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
• When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
• Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• No good deed goes unpunished.
  Where patience fails, force prevails.
   
• Erma Bombeck
  "Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.
   Heisenberg indetermination principle applied to ill luck:
  The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you,
  the worse you know when this will happen,
  and vice-versa.
  and Relativistic correction of Murphy's law:
  Whether things can go wrong or not, it depends on your frame of reference.
  Corollary (otherwise said: ill luck is actually absolute):
  Regardless of your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway.
   
• If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
• If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.
• When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested.
• Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.
• Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect; Whatever you do will always come back.
• If you re-act to actions, you've acted on actions.
• He who angers you controls you, therefore you have no control over your anger.
   
• Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.
• Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.
• The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress.
• No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string.
  (getting everyone in the family to the car at the same time for example)
• The fish are always biting....yesterday!
• You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time.
   The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind.
• Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
• The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks.
• Being dead right, won't make you any less dead.
  and
  Having the right of way, won't make you any less dead.
  Sent by anonymous
• Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
• Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it.
• Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be.
• The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is.
   
• Crespins law of observation:
  the probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions
   
• If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers.
   A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation.
• If you apply Murphy's Law, it will no longer be applicable.
• If you say something, and stake your reputation on it, you will lose your reputation.
• no matter where I go, there I am
   Where patience fails, force prevails.
   
• Murphy's Law Current Revision
  Any thing that can go wrong, HAS Already Gone Wrong!
  You just haven't been notified.
• The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
  Said by Isaac Asimov
• If many things can go wrong, they will all go wrong at the same time.
• If anything can go wrong, it will happen to the crankiest person.
   Waxman's Law:
  Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
  Skarstad's Observation
  You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.
   If authority was mass, stupidity would be gravity.
   all good things come to those who wait...
  but , don't wait too long or they will pass you by...
  like 2 ships that pass in the night...
  never again to return that same exact site.
   If anything was worth doing, it would've already been done.
  Corollary: Nothing is worth doing.
  Sent by D-D-D-Dave
• You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water
   
• Ants will always infest the nearest food cupboard.
  Sent by anonymous
• Long's Law
  Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.
   
• McFalls' Maxim
  No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts.
  Translation: You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless you're still screwed.
• 
  Hunter's Corollary to Murphy's Law:
  Things always go from bad to worse.
• Hunter's Observation on Beauty:
  Beauty is only skin deep, fashion even shallower.
• Hunter's Observation on Experts:
  An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor.
• Hunter's Observation on Sugarcoating:
  All pornography is air-brushed or computer-enhanced.
• Hunter's Observation on hypocrites:
  A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.