America from under inside

 I’d like to present you a diary of a young American boy which is written by a Russian old man. So we will be able to look at him through his perception.

My name is Michael Down. I live in the USA. This is such a country around which the sun and the earth rotate. Today I have got up early and at once become the happiest boy in my country. Wow! I’ve grown 200 grams thin. Now my weight is only 145 kg. And can you imagine than only a month ago I was 146 kg. My Daddy has told me that if I do not loose my weight girls will not love me, but I prefer boys as it is old fashioned to date with girls.

Then I had my breakfast. My breakfast was dietary – oats, cornflakes with skim milk and two fried toasts with jam. As a light dessert, I’ve eaten 4 double hamburgers. It was funny at breakfast as my dad and I competed who would belch louder. I won and now my dad must give me $5 and if he doesn’t, I’ll sue him.      

My school is very far from my house, whole 500 meters. So it is cool that I have a car. That’s why it only takes me an hour to get to school, as I often get in a traffic jam.

The classes are very boring. Once the teacher told us that Columbus discovered America. Nonsense! It is unbelievable that he still works as a teacher. America was discovered by Americans, that is why it is called this way. This is pretty logical.

The Geography class was very interesting. The teacher told us that there is a country called Africa and in its capital – Egypt – you can find triangular skyscrapers where evil Russian mummies live. Those Russians are everywhere!

In the evening, I went to a party. There were 40 people there, and my friend Leslie stole two bottles of beer from her farther. So we all got drunk and spoiled the swimming-pool.

It was very difficult to get up the next morning but I could not miss the Geography class. This time the teacher told us about a faraway country called Russia. I heard about that country before. Everyone knows that Russian people are the hybrids of a bear and a man, who feed on alcohol and birches and live in taiga in deep holes. During holidays, they set fire to the Kremlin and dance around it. Now I know that in Russia there are American petrol and gas reserves, besides deposits of black and red caviar, and deposits of vodka and pancakes. And they waste all that by eating and drinking it. They never seem to think of the new generations of Americans. They are the empire of the evil!

After classes, I visited my psychoanalyst. I go there twice a week and he gives me some advice and teaches me how to live. Today he told me how to wash off in a lavatory. Now I’ve solved the mystery of why it always stinks so much. I need to tell my family, I bet they don’t have a clue.

Then my father and I played baseball on the lawn in front of the house. This is a really fascinating game, you know – you throw the ball to each other from the distance of three metres for three hours! That’s a wonderful kind of sport and what is more – very intellectual.

After that I played Tetris – lethal action. Then my class and I went on an excursion to the picture gallery. You should have seen that! Some kind of botched work and naked women. Believe me I‘ve seen a lot better! So my friend Jim stuck a gum to the picture and Leslie broke her finger of a sculpture. That was fun!

       In the evening, my dad and I went to a hockey match. During the first period, a washer got to my forehead. The doctor was surprised that there was no concussion. Then my dad and I watched TV and had a great time. Our dear president Bush told us how important it is to the USA to bomb out other peoples, otherwise those primitive people wouldn’t realize what happiness they can gain from the US. I cannot understand why those fools are indignant when we bomb them out. Poor guys! Without us they will never know the taste of Coke or hamburgers, and the real meaning of democracy. God, save America – the country that can make everyone happy. And if somebody is against it, we’ll make him do it!

Incognito